Life is better when you can connect with your kids.

Most parents of teenagers are facing the same challenges you are, having trouble connecting. Even if it doesn’t seem that way, you are not alone. But there are things you can do to improve communication in the family. There are no magic, quick-fix solutions, but there are practical and positive steps you can take to improve your connection with your teenager.

Invest the Time it Takes to Connect

The most definitive contribution we can make to our kids' well-being is spending “quality time” with them. Quality time can take different forms. It can happen in everyday life, as long as we set aside whatever we are doing to truly pay attention to them rather than staring at the TV or our laptop or cell phone. Going to watch them at their events is great, but it shouldn’t be the only attention we give them. We also need to plan activities with them that they enjoy. Parents are busy, and It takes effort to be intentional about spending time with our kids on a regular basis. But it's worth it.  

See Their World Through Their Eyes

Since parents are only able to observe a fraction of their lives, it is important that we be vigilant to notice the trajectory—positive or negative—that our kids are on. Our teenagers also experience life differently than we do, and we need to try and understand their point of view. Parents should try to empathize with the issues their teenagers are facing and attempt to see their world through their eyes. Teens do what they do for a reason. It is helpful to try to get them to talk about why they do the things they do, and open communication with them is to be treasured and nurtured.

Say the Things They Need to Hear

There are several things that every teenager needs to hear from their parents. With just a small investment of time, we can take a huge step toward connecting with our kids by telling them the things they desperately need to hear from us. 

Practice Our Communication Skills

Sometimes parents miss the mark in terms of HOW they communicate with their teenagers. Most of the time, when parents lecture to, preach at, or scold their teenagers, they simply tune us out. Remember that our tone, expression, and body language speak just as loudly as our words. We need to talk to our kids the way we would like to be talked to.

Work to Earn and Keep Their Trust

Parents need to be someone their kids can trust, even when they can’t trust their kids. Parents do that by being authentic, saying what they mean, and being consistent in doing what they say they'll do. We earn more trust by being compassionate, safe, understanding and helpful. It is critical that we keep their trust when our kids reach out and take the risk of trusting us.

Have the Hard Conversations

Parents need to be proactive and have conversations about dangerous issues. We should talk openly about subtle dangers of “starter habits” such as smoking, vaping, and pot. Then we need to tackle critical subjects such as impaired driving, opioid drugs like pills and heroin, and depression and suicide. The goal should be to have thoughtful dialogue, and the less-than-perfect but honest way we handle those talks may be just what our kids need to hear.

Be Flexible with Each of Our Kids

Every teenager is different, so parents should seek approaches that fit their situation. Parenting tactics that work with one kid may not work for the other. It helps to read, research the internet, and talk to other parents. Once we find information that sounds helpful for our situation, we can try it, see how it works, and adjust our communication style from there. 

Show Them Unconditional Love

“Community” is more than people living in the same area. Community involves relationship building, belonging, and love. The way parents interact with their kids teaches them a great deal about how to approach life in general. The purest form of community is when we show unconditional and sacrificial love for our kids. If we are vulnerable with them, it will help them develop a sense of belonging. By listening closely and expressing empathy with our teenagers, we can enhance our relationship with them and teach them how to build healthy relationships with others.

Capture Our Next Steps in a Plan

Having a plan helps us take a thoughtful approach and anticipate challenges and opportunities rather than reacting emotionally in the heat of the moment. The good news is that building a parenting plan doesn’t have to be hard. We can study good material we find and talk to other parents to gather ideas to formulate our family connection plan. Them, write the plan down! It’s just a set of ideas until we capture it in writing, and we can keep it simple so we can refer to it often. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but we need a starting point where we can learn and adjust the plan as we move forward.

These are practical steps you can follow to improve communication with your teenagers. At the same time, you are continuing to grow into the best parent you can be by taking positive steps towards connecting with your teenagers.

Want more parenting guidance?

We offer 2 easy ways to get more practical techniques for connecting with your teenager:

1. Get all the best tips now in our "PACES for Parents: Connection" online toolkit. 
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